A life worth writing about.

Even though I have lost weight I feel very anxious being this full. I locked myself in my room so I will not go purge.

I woke up this morning an had a big cinnamon roll and a huge glass of milk, when I weighed myself I was 107 which means I lost weight. I was planning on purging after breakfast but then decided not too. If I let myself feel this full then I will punish myself all day and not eat. Which works out bettet

I hate feeling this way :( so fat. Gaaaah fuck

When I sit down to eat a meal I am very careful and slow. As soon as I start to feel a little bit full I stop eating.
I do not like to feel full. It makes me feel dirty. I like to still feel hungry when I am done with a meal. It makes me feel reassured like I will deffinately be loosing weight if I do this.
When I over eat and feel to full tho is when I make myself vomit. I can’t help myself.
If I am not in a place where I can make myself purge, I start to feel very anxious. I start to feel very fat an I just want to hide from people . I feel like they are staring at my fat and judging me for being such a big eater.

You were my first for so many things. First boyfriend. First kiss. First date. And most importantly my first.
Sometimes I miss you so much it hurts. Some nights I dream of you still. Sometimes when I see other girls hugging their boyfriends I think about how it felt to hug you. Skin to skin. I still remember the taste of your kiss and the smell of your skin.
Some days I day dream about the hours we used to spend together. I don’t hate you, but I do hate how much I still love you. I still remember the first day I laid eyes on you. I wish I could rewind an relive all of those days. I hate myself for still even thinking about you. You treated me like shit, but I always knew that deep down in you there was a soft guy who just needed someone to care for him. I tried. I failed.

The day you broke up with me was the most devastating day of my life. I lost 20 pounds. I weighed 90 pounds. I couldn’t eat or sleep for weeks. I dreamt of you and I together for weeks.

Loosing someone you love is the hardest thing to live through. Mostly because I knew you were totally incapable of loving me as much as I loved you.

Now I have my walls up.

I hate that you have made me afraid to ever love again.
I keep getting in relationships with people that I can never love because I know that it wont hurt when it ends.
When I nice guy comes around though I always lose something important. I’m afrai of living something worth loving because I know how much it can hurt when you lose it.

I just bought 60 laxatives for $10 at the store before work and took two … I’ll probably take 2 more before bed because I ate too much today.

Breakfast was cereal
Lunch was an orange with a turkey cheese and mayonnaise sandwich and fries and 3 cookies then a medium strawberry frap from Starbucks
So kill me cause I’ve been bad.